Screen Mindfulness Confessions P. 1

St. Paul, the Christian saint who sometimes gets on my nerves, really nailed it when he wrote "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate" (NRSV). Same, my guy.

I'm probably the person you know who hates social media, generative A.I., and phone screens the most...who also struggles to keep my ass off them. Like, that intersection of intense conviction and hypocrisy? That's my sweet spot, regrettably.

I have a "Fuck A.I." shirt and a King Ludd shirt for God's sake. Additionally, I've been using a dumb phone on and off for at least five years now. I currently rock the classiest phone on the market--the Light Phone III. I also had version II. I'll say a few more words about the Light Phone a little farther down, but the bottom line is that despite all of these facts I still spent probably thirty minutes, maybe more, staring at social media this morning before leaving for work. I've also definitely checked the socials a couple times at work, on a laptop computer.

C'mon.

(I just checked IG again after I finished typing "C'mon.")

C'mon!!

I hate my neural pathways and the ways I've abused them since I got on Facebook in 2008. There's some debate about technology addiction. Is it an addiction? Just a bad habit? At what point does the screen interfere with everyday life and relationships?

Well, my compulsion waxes and wanes depending on any number of factors. Stress, depression, boredom, the state of my relationship(s), the richness of my spiritual life, and how much I'm getting outside/running/hiking, etc.

For me, scrolling (whether social media or article surfing) is deeply to connected to my other compulsions. Biting my nails, rubbing my scalp, etc. My therapist and my mindfulness practice have taught me that these behaviors are like pressure release valves. They are soothing salves for when I'm consciously or unconsciously experiencing tension, discomfort, unfulfilled longing, or a need going unmet.

I want to say I think we should give ourselves a lot of grace. Being a human is deep, man. Even when things are great, there are lots of thoughts and subconscious creeks flowing with feeling. The world is all, you know, apocalyptic. That's before you even get to the wild, wonderful idiosyncrasies each of us contains in our DNA and psychological makeups!

We look for sweet release in so many places. In moderation, many of these release valves are perfectly fine and healthy. I'm over 6 years sober from alcohol (other than communion wine), because sometimes those release valves are less than healthy.

While grace is warranted in abundance, sometimes it can come too cheaply, without reflection. The thing is, I know why I drift back to the screen. And because I know, I'm responsible for that knowledge.

I've had long stretches of good relationships to screens. But this only happened when I was working to sit with my tension(s) with curiosity, committed to my prayer/meditation practice, intentionally stewarding my friendships and relationships, and getting regular exercise.

My deeply human need to be connected--to the divine Mystery, to spouse, family, friends, nature, and ultimately to my Self--is intrinsic. It can't really be turned off. It either flourishes or withers. With grace I have to firmly push myself to be fed by that which nourishes.

DOG!

Since the first draft of this writing, my wife and I adopted an incredibly cute, affectionate Rottie. We named her Olive. (By the way, adopt, foster, or volunteer at BARCs here in Baltimore).

I'm reminded of the charming Mark Doty poem "Golden Retrievals," which is all about the incredible power of a dog to bring us to the present moment.

LIGHT PHONE!

I mentioned I'm a lightphone user. I have been on and off for several years now, through versions two and three. I adore these phones. Version III is pretty much the perfect phone. They turn heads, they're aesthetically gorgeous, and they really, really help with scrolling and enforcing a kind of presence in life.

But they arean't a panacea. Not by any stretch.

As I said, I still scroll too much. At least by the standard I've set for myself. I have my old Galaxy S7 still. It isn't "on." There's no SIM card. It just sits at home. But when I'm on the house wifi, I can scroll away on it. Then there's my laptop. The one with a General Ludd sticker on it. Yeah, I'll even look at IG on that. Like, what the hell?

My wife, a better and more principled person than me, sometimes points out that while the lightphone means I'm always present and without digital connection when "out in the world," when I'm home with the wifi it can sometimes be a different story.

Of course, I often react to that note defensively–"I'm decompressing...it was a long day...I'm just scrolling for a little bit..."--but ultimately she's right.

The reasons I fail are simple:

1. My digital engagement systems are not as dialed in as they should be. When they're tight, I check the socials and the news headlines twice to three times a day for a short time. Basically, the idea here is to see if I have notifications or messages or a person's birthday to remember, not to get sucked into infinite scroll. After the check, the Galaxy or the laptop goes in a drawer until the next time. There is flexibility here for when I'm reading long form journalism, but not if I'm doomscrolling headlines. I'm also a writer in addition to a teacher (I'm behind on my deadline to deliver a novel draft and revised screenplay), so obviously laptop time is allowed for creative projects.
2. Obviously, I still have psycho-spiritual work to do. This is the classic "simple, but not easy" shit I have to keep working on. When I'm reaching for a digital pacifier, what is going on inside me or around me? What can I do to sit with that discomfort or tension or feeling instead of seeking sweet, immediate release? I've been off my prayer/meditation/mindfulness game, which means I'm lacking in curiosity about myself. And I'm disconnected and unrooted when I'm in that space. When I'm disconnected from the Real (relationships, nature, etc), I'll take the placebo. The Scroll.
3. Disembodiment. My favorite passtime is dissociating, I joke sardonically. My legendary Taoist therapist of many years I always, ALWAYS challenging me to be present in my body. He makes me punch stuff during therapy a lot. Not because I am rageful (though it does turn out I low-key am haha!), but because it turns out my even-keeled, chill personality is partly the result of a severed connection to what I'm really feeling. Anyway, for me to be at my best (and least scroll-y), I have to be embodied. Running. Yoga. Hiking. Physical touch. Stuff like that. Well, I'm just now getting back into a training plan for running the Baltimore Half-Marathon. I've done these before, but I've been in a sedentary era for the winter. I'm getting miles on my feet again and it's great. Bottom line: when I'm doing hard physical things, I don't scroll as much.

Anyway, that got a little more confessional than I intended.

TL;DR. You should think about getting a lightphone. Or another kind of dumbphone. You don't need to totally upend your life. A lot of people keep a smartphone, too, and just switch SIM cards back and forth when they need a mental break from the scrolling for a few days.